This quote was part of my Lectio365 Sabbath devotion this morning, and as I considered what this day should look like, I began considering what it would look like to allow silence to deepen into gratitude.  

Often for me, silence is endured.  Or accomplished.  Which sounds funny for something like silence.  

Receiving silence like a gift must look different.  Relaxed. Letting it wash over, rather than questioning what it should be or what I should hear or how long it should last.  

Letting silence deepen into gratitude might look like an all-day simmering of soup.  Letting the flavors simmer together to create something beautiful and rich and flavorful.   I think I need a new soup recipe.

What?!

Does your reading journal ever look like this?

What I learned from my black, teen-age neighbor

I love my neighbors.  My immediate next-door neighbors are my new best friends - Judson is 7 and his sister, Karis, is 6.  Their 2 other sisters and their parents are pretty awesome, too.  We have Jesus in common and like to play catch or cards or just eat popcicles on the porch.   I love my other neighbors, too.  The ones who are walking from the homeless shelter a few blocks away down to the plasma donation center a few more blocks past our home.  God is teaching me about building community.  about knowing the people in my neighborhood. about tending my garden.

There are still some things that feel clunky.  Times when I feel intimidated or catch myself with a judgemental thought or sarcastic joke at someone else's expense (someone whose story I haven't learned yet).  The mentally ill and neighbors who are under the influence of drugs are alcohol still seem like wild cards to me.  My standard MO is an acknoledgement that can't be interpreted as too agressive or too welcoming, so as not to draw their chaos inside the fence.

This week, he taught me something from a teenage boy.  I don't know his name, but I've seen him walking his siblings to school in the mornings or home in the afternoon.  He has a flip phone, but I haven't seen it close enough to know if it's one of those really new ones, or if it's actually really old.

It started when I heard a normal occurrance: a young man who I assume is high or mentally ill, riding his bicycle down the street, talking to himself loudly and using colorful language and making little sense.  The teenager is walking down the street towards the man and must have said hello or made eye contact, because the man literally jumps off his bike and quickly props it up against the corner lightpole and heads straight for the teen. My mom-senses are alerted and I wonder if this teen is in trouble.  The profanity-heavy rant is continued by the man, but is now directed at the teen instead of into the air.  I wonder for a moment if the teen knows him, or if he knows the situation that has riled up the man, but quickly decide they are strangers.  I can't see the teen's face, but I see him give the man his attention, nodding occasionally and answering the man's questions about where he stays.  After 3-4 minutes of the one-sided rant, I hear the man say, "Thanks alot, man.  You asked me my name, and that just sort of calmed me down" (as he motioned with his hands pressing down).  He reached out for a handshake/one-armed hug combo as he continued to say "thanks".

"You asked my name". 

He gave the man his attention.  Asked his name.  Wasn't in a rush to get away.  

And when the man felt seen, he continued on his way.

Calmer. At peace. Known.

I wanna be like that kid.

Teaching critical thinking skills to your kids...and maybe your friends

Suppose you catch your 9 year old breaking one of the family rules...maybe it's hitting their little brother, or stealing their sister's Halloween candy, or drawing on the wall with a marker.  When caught, they begin to deflect from their behavior with cries of "it wasn't my fault" or "little brother didn't get in trouble when HE did it" or "why am I the only one you punish?".    In our house, those arguments don't go very far.  It may be true that little brother did the same thing, or that another kid ALSO was at fault, but the in THIS moment, for THIS conversation, we're talking about YOUR behavior.  

For quite some time, I've believed that one of the most important lessons we can teach our kids is how to apologize.  We value that because it's an important biblical practice.  Being able to acknowledge and confess our sin and ask forgiveness is at the center of our faith.  If I can't apologize for being a jerk to my husband, how in the world can I confess my sin of disobedience towards God?  And if I can't admit I've done something wrong, how will I ever get to the place of being GRATEFUL for the price Jesus had to pay for my sin and disobedience?   So the "I'm sorry, but YOU..." or "I'm sorry if YOU felt offended when I said that" don't pass the test in our house.  What I'm looking for as a parent is a clear "this behavior was wrong.  I am guilty.  I am sorry."  No "buts", no addendums, no finger pointing.    This is what it means to be a grown up.  To own our junk.  To have integrity.

I think that's one of the reasons this season of political strife has been so frustrating for me.  As someone who doesn't identify with either political party but is an interested political observer, I long for honest, nuanced discussions about what's going on in the world around us.  To be able to have a rational discussion about whether the particular statement or action or vote of a politician or police officer or activist was true or right or helpful.   Those conversations can't happen without people who are able to say, when appropriate, "I was wrong".  "That was a bad decision".  "I'm sorry for the thing I said." "They were actually right about that".

Until that happens in our discourse, I'm not sure what hope there is for the United States.

 I am not a Democrat.

And yet, when I express disagreement with President Trump and his policies or disappointment with his actions and his character, people assume I am.

I am not a Republican.  

And yet, when I express a value of defending the life of the unborn, or am known as a "Bible-believing Christian", some will assume I am.

You will not hear me use either of those labels to define my political beliefs or behavior.   As a follower of Jesus, the only labels I want to wear to define who I am come from my relationship with Him.  May my name tag never reduce who I am to a political party platform or stereotype.

Don't get me wrong.  I love politics.  I love observing it, discussing it, even debating it (though that seems to be a lost art these days).   I have a Master's Degree in Political Science and the bulk of my graduate research was on the topic of "How Religious Beliefs Affect Political Behavior".   I love seeing how a relationship with God and understanding of what that means moves people to respond in different ways.  I love how Blacks and Evangelicals and farmers and state employees all have different ways of viewing political issues and working to make change or protect the vulnerable or grow and prosper.

To further disrupt any labels you may have wrongly placed on me: 

- When I worked in politics, back in the early-mid 90's, the legislators I worked for were Democrats.  They were also both Pro-Life.

- The legislator who helped me get my first foot in the door in politics (Gordon Ropp - Bloomington), was a Republican.

- I've probably voted for more Republican candidates in my life than Democrats.   (I even flirted with the idea voting for Ross Perot, just to see what would happen in a Perot administration).

- When I heard there was a shortage of Election Judges this year, I jumped at the chance to serve in that way.  But because I don't identify with a political party, I'm not eligible.

But while I value my right to vote and participate in voting, I also recognize that politics is not the thing that will bring the Kingdom of Heaven any quicker.  It will hopefully ensure that we have highways and clean air and schools and protection for the elderly and those without a voice....but in the big scheme of things....the mission God has given to me and to you to love him and love others doesn't change whether Trump or Biden are in the White House.

There are people who want you to believe that if you are a Christian, you have to vote for _________.  If you are Pro-Life, you have to vote for ______.      They're listening for the secret code words so they can put people in a political box.  I'm hearing some frightened people worrying that the election of one or the other candidate will cause destruction.   I'm afraid those fearful friends have forgotten who God is.  They have elevated politics over the Name that is above all names.

The truth is, it's much more nuanced than a Christian box.

So do your research.  Turn off CNN and Fox News.  Talk to your friends about politics (over coffee or dinner, not over Facebook).  Listen to different sides.   Vote the way God leads you.  

And then go on with your life - loving people and proclaiming the Good News.   God will continue to be on the throne, regardless of who is in the White House.

Disruption

In Matthew 8, Jesus is walking through the country of the Gadarenes, and as he approaches the tombs, he's confronted by 2 demon-possessed men who Matthew describes as "so fierce, no one could pass that way." 

Side Note:  Does every childhood include a Boo Radley (To Kill A Mockingbird) type of neighbor?  When our girls were little, we had a neighbor who lived alone in "the scary house".  The house was hidden from the road with overgrown trees and was in need of some home repair.  The older man that lived there didn't seem to drive, but could occasionally be spotted on a bicycle with a small bag of groceries hanging from the handle-bars.  Every time the girls quickly walked past his house, more made-up stories would be told about children disappearing or animals dying...

I imagine the demon-possessed men were the subjects of stories that swirled around the region and were repeated around a campfires with descriptions of their torn, filthy clothing, wild eyes, erratic behavior, and rumored acts of violence.  Townspeople had surely re-routed their normal paths to avoid the men and warned children to stay away.   If they'd had a Nextdoor app, I'm certain there would be several threads airing complaints and discussing ways to deal with the neighborhood nuisances.

As Jesus encounters the men, the evil spirits know what's coming and beg him to send them into a herd of nearby pigs instead of whatever other fate might await them.  Jesus complies and the pigs immediately run down a steep bank into the sea and drown.  

The evil spirits are gone!  The terror of the neighborhood has been taken care of!  I imagine something like the Wizard of Oz when everyone sings "Ding-Dong the Witch is Dead".  Hurray!  Right?  

But Matthew reports that when the town heard about what happened, they came out to beg him to leave.

Some people will be too scared of the disruption to experience the Kingdom of God.

Jesus heals the tormented men, frees those who leave nearby from the evil has terrorized them, and demonstrates his incredible power.   But the townspeople are so fearful that Jesus might destroy their way of life as farmers, might disrupt their ways they've found to cope, might cost too much, that they send him away.

Jesus came to disrupt the status quo.  He will most certainly disrupt our views on politics, how we spend our money, the media we watch, the clothes we purchase, our understanding of race, or even the way we vote.  

I don't want to miss the Kingdom of God because I'm too scared to risk what I've always known.

When "Cancel Culture" cancels Justice

One of the treasures of quarantine is extended time at the dining room table....eating, lingering, then clearing the table for a way-too long game of Settler's or Bananagrams....and the conversations that emerge with my adults-in-training.  They teach us things about Tik-Tok and we try to take advantage of opportunities to slide in one more bit of parental advice without them knowing.  

Tonight's topic:  Cancel Culture.  My daughter who gets the majority of her news on Tik Tok tells of the most recent "campaign":  A business owner in Kentucky has a sign on the door that says "We don't sell to N#$*%&" and the Tik Tok community sets out to punish the owners, shut down the business, and teach this racist a lesson.  

Except....what does the racist learn?  Are they convicted of their sin?  Repent of their racist beliefs and behaviors?  Or are they further emboldened to get revenge on the liberals or Democrats or the "N#$*%&" who ruined their business?

What is our goal in a cancel culture?  

There seems to be alot of satisfaction in our culture for ruining someone's reputation or career or earnings when they don't speak or behave the way we want them to.  I think we'd call that vengence.  Getting back, making them pay. 

The problem is, that's not the same as Justice.  Justice is about making things right.  Making things right might look more like the business owner repenting of their racist beliefs and changing their ways.  Cancel culture doesn't leave room for repentance.  There are very few 2nd chances.  It seems that restoration of a person, or reconciliation isn't expected or even desired in many cases.  

But for the Christian, 2 Corinthians 5:16-20 says we've been given the ministry of reconciliation:

Because of this decision we don’t evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don’t look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We’re Christ’s representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God’s work of making things right between them. We’re speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he’s already a friend with you

The problem with Cancel Culture, the idea of "cancelling" a business or a person or an organization because we don't agree with them means we miss out on what is God's best, which is for us to be reconciled, to come to agreement that people shouldn't be mistreated because of their skin color or their gender or their economic status; for us to agree that our society needs to take care of the vulnerable, the poor, the unborn, the undocumented.  

The Gospel, the Good News, is that God doesn't cancel US when we miss the point, act like idiots, screw up, again.  Instead, in Ephesians 2, we read that he preached peace to those those are far...

14 For he himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility 15 by abolishing the law of commandments expressed in ordinances, that he might create in himself one new man in place of the two, so making peace, 16 and might reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility. 

The Cancel Culture doesn't reflect the heart of the Savior.  True justice is about making things right and the reconciliation of all things. 

Very Early in the Morning....

Mark 15:1-41
"Very early in the morning, the chief priests made their plans..."

I read this, and I think of priests and scribes and leaders jumping out of bed, telling their wives they didn't have time for breakfast, and scurrying out the door.....much like children running down to the Christmas tree in the living room to open presents.    Did they have trouble sleeping the night before?  Toss and turn?  Keep replaying possible comebacks and conversations in their heads?  Things they would ask Jesus?  Arguments they would make to Pilate? 

Those middle-of-the night plans are usually indicators for me that I'm obsessing about something.  I think I have control over something and can/or have to "fix" it.  The lack of peace I feel on those nights has alot to do with the sin that accompanies the obsession. Wanting to be right, proving others wrong, vindication.....

So my own experience helps me understand these men.  They were tired of Jesus questioning their authority or their leadership.  They wanted control again.  They wanted to be right and prove Jesus wrong, and they got up at the crack of dawn in order to do it.


It's a little different from the excitement of the women in Matthew 28.  Verse 1 says "At dawn" they went to the tomb. This response was FAITH.  This was LOVE.  I wonder, did they toss and turn?   Play over what they had seen in their minds again and again?  Wonder if they could've stopped it?  Changed things?   Were they beginning to put together the pieces of things Jesus had said to them yet?

The chief priests got up early out of fear.  The women went early out of faith.

The Imago Dei - Genesis 2:15-25

The last week has been awful.

Well, Sarah and Caleb had a beautiful wedding, but other than that....video of George Floyd being murdered by a police officer with his knee on Floyd's neck, while Floyd repeatedly says, "I can't breathe".  Protests, Facebook posts, Riots, Talking Heads with a variety of opinions and speculation.   There is just a blanket of sadness and angst hanging in the air.  

It's frustrating.  

And exhausting.

And at the same time, I recognize the importance of staying "in" it, instead of fleeing.  Instead of moving on.  My black friends can't just move on, and so regardless of my privilege which would allow me to sweep it under the rug and find other things to focus on, I choose to stay.  

It's hard to get to the root of some of the arguments I'm hearing.  

It's about police brutality

It's about respect for the rule of law

It's about ALL lives

It's about systemic racism

It's about looting

It's about injustice

And in these all these arguments, perhaps we're missing the point.  When it comes down to it, the thing that is making most people angry, on both sides of the issue, is how we VALUE people/things.  George Floyd's murder is heinous because he has VALUE as a human being, made in the image of God.  Some are more concerned about the looting than the racial injustice, because they VALUE order and rules more than human life.  Some value themselves and their way of life....others value justice and equality and fairness.

In Genesis 2:15-25, we see a clear difference between the value of animals and of humans.  Animals are made from the dirt (super cool, btw), but HUMANS are made in the image of GOD.   Distinction between animals and humans.   But there is NO distinction between humans.  We are ALL image bearers of the most high God.  We ALL have his stamp on us.  We ALL resemble our Father.   

And that is why this week has been so hard for me.  I am hurt for my black friends whose value has been questioned again and again and again.  I am frustrated with people I know and love who can't see how hurtful their words and fearful rhetoric are.  Black lives matter.  White lives matter.  All lives matter because we're all the same in the eyes of God.  But right now, it's the black lives that are in danger, so we stand.

The Spirit Hovered: Genesis 1:1-13

"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. 2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters."  Genesis 1:1-2

It's hard to imagine what it was like before the creation of the world.  How do you imagine nothing? I've always been intrigued by the fact that the earth was empty, and. yet there was "the deep" and "the waters".  LATER, God created the waters, right?  So what was present in V. 1?   

But the part I love most about these verses is the idea that "the spirit of God was hovering over the waters".  What was that like?  Was it like an eery mist covering a lake early in the morning?  Was it just like a swarm of little gnats that all move together at the ballfield during the summer?   Maybe it was like the cloud by day and pillar of fire by night in the desert with the Israelites?

Then I think....does he still do that??   I mean, I know I have the Spirit living inside of me, which is overwhelmingly amazing....but does he still hover in our midst?  Like the mist over a meadow....was he hovering yesterday when over 3000 cars joined together in a Procession of Solidarity for Black Lives?  Or at The Villas in Sherman, as they've been suffering through a COVID outbreak?   Does he hover in our midst...listening, moving, responding?

The most perfect day....

Yesterday, our first-born was married.  

That, alone, is huge in any parent's life.  Add to it a pandemic, and. you have the most interesting, emotional, stressful, stress-free wedding experience I can imagine.  This morning, I'm basking in the afterglow of family and flowers and pie and don't want to forget a bit of it, so here is a messy list of memories I want to tell my grandchildren about:

• March 15 - The Covid-19 pandemic begins to get serious, with a "stay at home" order first issued.   Soon after, Todd is ordered home from work until early June.
• Early April - we realize it's going to be awhile, and we need to decide to post-pone the wedding, or change it to comply with health ordinances.   The decision is made to continue with 10 people only - Bride and groom, parents, officiant, photographer and sound people.   We cancel catering, send an email to guests explaining they are un-invited, and tell the bridesmaids and groomsmen they won't be able to attend.
• May 1 - Sarah moves home from Moody to finish out the remainder of her classes.  It is a sweet and stressful time as 2 college girls are back in the house and all 3 magruder children are doing school from home, mom is working from home, and Todd is, well, home.
• Home projects:  a truckload of mulch is delivered and spread around our home, a desk and coatrack are painted for Sarah's new house, cleaning, sorting, organizing
• May 15 - Sarah "graduates" from Moody Bible Institute with a few pics and a confetti popper on the front lawn.  The neighbors drive by and honk their congratulations
• We realize there is no place open for Todd to get a new suit for the wedding.  We find a local business downtown that is illegally open.  We buy an illegal, bootleg suit for way more money than we would've planned.  Seriously.  I can't even put the number down here because I'm so embarrassed by it.  But man, it's a nice suit.
• Sarah's wedding band was purchased and being sized at JCPenney in Springfield.  With COVID-19, Penneys has been closed for 10 weeks.  Sarah emailed and called the local and corporate offices with no response.  I tweeted about the problem, and JCPCares immediately responded.  Unfortunately, they said there was nothing they could do.  Sarah then purchased an $8 ring from Walmart for the ceremony. 
• Wedding week: Sophia throws a bachelorette party with only 3 people invited - Sarah, Sophia, and Selah.  They do a progressive drive-thru dinner around town, then come back to the house and watch Princess Diaries 2 in a candle-lit basement. So sweet.
• Lots of "hey google, play ___________"
• Rehearsal - the Camp is beautiful.  It is sunny and 72 degrees.  Caleb's family brings the arbor he made, and they dig holes to put it in the ground.  We have a Chick fil a picnic in camp chairs with Caleb's parents.  We all have sunburns at the end of the day, and sarah's face is red as a tomato.
• Todd and I both write letters to Caleb that we give him that afternoon. We give Sarah letters at home.
• We pick up eucalyptus, lavendar and baby's breath at HyVee.  Sarah and I make boutineirs, flower crowns, her bouquet, and some pots. 
• Wedding Day - sarah is up early for a smoothie and a fried egg.  we take everything out of her bedroom and sophia arranges a beautiful space for getting ready and taking pictures. 
• Sophia does her makeup. Mom does her hair.  Nana's blue bird necklace, her favorite earrings from Ukraine.
• Video and pictures at the house.
• Sabrina, the videographer is so good at directing the show.  Thankful for that with an indecisive bride.
• Nana and Poppy drop off 6 pies at the house: French Silk, Coconut Cream, Dutch Apple, Pumpkin (2), and Strawberry Rhubarb.  (the last 3 were made by Nana)
• About 10 cars lined up around the drive of the camp.
• Sarah and Todd waiting in the Cypress Garage
• Caleb shows his emotions from the very beginning
• Sarah and Todd look amazing walking across the field
• I forgot to stand for the bride.  I took 1 picture and got distracted looking at them
• Michael Yotter has rigged it so that people can hear the ceremony through an FM transmitter.  So kind.
• David did a wonderful job officiating.  He referred to Todd's "Gut it out".  He talked about how hard marriage is, and also how wonderful.  (The lasleys told Sarah the wedding was their gift to she and Caleb....I'm so thankful for them)
• It is a perfect day.  about 73 degrees and sunny.  perfect.
• They go car to car to greet the family (family plus a few)
• Pictures with the parents and the girls.  The couple stays for a few more video shots on the dock
• Jimmy Johns subs back at our house with Nana, Poppy and Linda.  And lots of pie.
• Nana slides off the tiny band from Grandma Bunker and gives it to Sarah. Nana and poppy also give Sarah a beautiful Tiffany Lamp for their new house and tell the story about recieving a lamp for their wedding that they still own (with a cardinal on it)
• We send them off with extra pie and sandwiches for their honeymoon. They head to Mt. Pulaski for another party with the McCains.

I wish I had asked the questions Sabrina asked Sarah earlier in their relationship/engagement:  What do you love about Caleb?  What are you looking forward to in marriage?     To hear Sarah express that was so beautiful and encouraging.  They are going to be just fine.

Just do SOMETHING

When I was a young mom, there was a tragic death in our church family, and I remember feeling like a little kid, like I didn’t know how to respond appropriately for something like that. Is sending a card helpful? Taking a casserole? Do you call first, or just show up? Will I bother the family? So much insecurity about doing the “right” thing. I shared this with a mentor and I’ll never forget her telling me, “it doesn’t really matter what you do, just do SOMETHING”.

It’s a little like how I feel now, as a white woman, sickened and saddened by the violence, injustice, and fear my brothers and sisters of color continue to face. What do I say? Will what I say make my black friends internally roll their eyes while politely excusing my inadequate attempt at being supportive? Have I earned the right to stand with them in protest, knowing I can easily do so because of my whiteness?

As our family talks about this, we know we’re called to practice what Jesus did. He was present with people who were hurting. People on the outside. People the political and social systems had forgotten, mistreated or ignored. A huge part of his ministry was simply standing WITH people.

For the last few days I’ve been remembering my friend’s words. I’m still not sure what the perfect thing to do is, but today we’re going to “just do SOMETHING.” Feel free to join us at 12:30pm today for a vehicle procession of solidarity downtown Springfield. #imagodei #blacklivesmatter #justiceforgeorgefloyd #justiceforahmaud #justdosomething

Heart

"Hear, O Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is one, and as for you, you shall love the Lord your God with all of your heart, with all of your soul, and with all of your strength."

Deuteronomy 6:4-5

Our understanding of the word "heart" is a little different than the early hearers of the Old Testament.  The word, "lev", encompassed more than just an organ pumping blood to all parts of the body.  It actually has a much broader understanding, including thoughts, emotions, and choices.  When the Shema says we should love the Lord with all of our heart, it can mean the place where we KNOW and understand things, the place we find wisdom, where we feel things, or make choices based on desires.  

The heart, or lev, is the center of who we are.

But the Bible also tells us some other things about the heart.

Jeremiah 17:9 says "the heart is deceitful"

Deuteronomy 30:6 says our hearts need to be circumcised.

Ezekiel 36:26 describes the heart of stone in us, that God promises to exchange with a heart of flesh. 

Every day as the Israelites recited the Shema, Deut 6:4-5, they were challenged to surrender every part of their lives to loving God - their feelings, decisions, understanding.....kind of like a filter for living lives as followers of Jesus.  

What does that look like for me?  

surrendering my responses when frustrated

surrendering my impulses, cravings and desires

surrendering my thought life, judgements, and grudges

Covid Quarantine Week 9

I'm ready to back to real life.  To hang out with friends, host a cook-out, go shopping, eat buttered popcorn at the movie theater....but there are also things about this time I don't want to forget.

• 3 girls back under one roof.  Sophia finishing out her Sophomore year at home and Sarah spending the last month before her wedding here with us.  This unexpected time has been a blessing.
• Bananagrams.  It sits on the dining room table and someone busts it out after almost every dinner.  Forming words and arguing about what counts.  Sophia has surprised us by winning most often, while Todd has the most creative words.   I like to play just to be together, but I'm not very good.  
• Church on the couch.  This has been hard.  Not everything translates great on video.  The temptation to compare or complain or check out during worship and be a spectator.  Also, the beautiful privilege to be connected with the Church everywhere - watching RCC, and our friends at West Side, Sarah's friends at Uptown Baptist Church, and John Mark Comer in Portland.   Homemade Matzah bread and Welch's grape juice stored in a secret spot by the waffle iron so we have it every week.
• Family Devos at the table at 9:30pm....the evening office.  Trying to establish a practice of ending our day observing and reflecting on God's activity that day.  We started with the book of James, and are now reading the book of Luke together.  Sophia likes to use little Post It Note flags in her bible...Selah highlights with different colors...Todd and I journal.
• Working in the yard.  6 cubit yards of mulch was dumped in the driveway and we've hauled countless wheelbarrows all over the yard, weeding and thinning out plants as we've gone.   Todd has done almost all of the wheelbarrowing, and everyone has pitched in with the weeding.
• Mother's Day bird feeder.   This must be what 50 looks like.  I'm excited about watching the birdfeeder and spreading mulch.  
• Cooking.  So much cooking.  Trying some new things - buttermilk donuts (meh), soft pretzels, bread, soups....trying to stay dairy-free as much as possible for Sophia.  Lots of cooking means lots of dishes, but luckily Todd gladly takes care of that.
• Celebrating.  We have more time to give celebrations the attention I think they deserve.  
• Mailed confetti poppers to Freshmen who have completed their first year.  
• Celebrated Todd's 5 year Strokaversary.  The girls made a brain cake and hosted the Stroke Olympic Games.  4 games Todd played against 1 family member with a stroke-like handicap.  He felt thoroughly loved.
• Sarah's college graduation.  Yard sign. Confetti Popper.  Borrowed graduation cap and gown. Photos on the front lawn with honking neighbors driving by.  
• A wedding will happen in 2 weeks.

It hasn't been fun.  But it hasn't been all bad.  In fact, it's been a gift.  I need to remember.

My friend, Kanny, came to the US 14 years ago.  The oldest of 11 children in a well-connected family in West Africa, she came after a political coup took her family from prosperity to obscurity in the blink of an eye.

Our friendship began as she braided my African daughter's hair at her little shop

Spending 6 hours watching the finger-numbing task gave me a chance to learn a little about the life of this woman in a flowing gold dress and brightly colored hijab.  Her 10 year old daughter sat in another chair at the salon, braiding her doll's hair and listening while her mom and I talked about the journey from Africa and her experiences in the United States as a business owner, wife, mother, and daughter and immigrant.

She came to the U.S. to visit family in Colorado.  At the airport in NY, an African taxi driver approached her and said, "Sister, where are you from?  Where are you going?".  She explained her situation, and they realized they actually were distantly related, SO SHE WENT TO HIS APARTMENT AND STAYED WITH HIS FAMILY FOR 2 WEEKS!    The contrast of this kind of hospitality to the neighbors she's had in the US is dramatic...here, where no one speaks and no one helps....

I asked the question I tend to ask most immigrants or international students I know.
"Is there anything you need help with?"  "Anything that's confusing to you?"

Out came the documents and pieces of mail....confusing IRS letters, information the Immigration Attorney needed to proceed with her case, overdue bills and disconnection notices....we made a list of priorities and problems and as I offered to help her make a few phone calls and help her understand the issues, she teared up with gratitude.  Such simple steps...asking about a balance on an account....driving to the courthouse to get a document...but to Kanny, they were enormous obstacles we were helping to remove from her path.

• Her husband had left them with no support.
• The money she earned at the Hair Braiding shop is split every month between her bills and her mother and 8 siblings in Africa.  Often, that means she doesn't pay her electric bill, or buy food.
• On a day trip to visit the attorney in Champaign, we stopped for a late lunch at Subway.  As the 10 year old devoured her sandwich, Kanny smiled and said, "this is enough for breakfast, lunch, and dinner today, right?".  It was 4pm and they hadn't eaten anything yet that day.
• When her mom stepped out of the car, I asked the daughter how long they hadn't had electricity.  
• "I think, since April or May".  
• "That must be really hard", I said.  
• "Yeah, I'm really tired of bad food.  I need something healthy."

• Beginning to understand what "no electricity" looks like......cold showers, no refrigerator, no microwave or stove, no fans for the apartment when it's 97 degrees, no light or ability to charge a cell phone, fast food, convenience food, no food....
• When her husband left, she got behind on her rent and the landlord penalized her by raising the rent.  She now pays $600/month for a cockroach-ridden apartment, despite being immaculately clean, one where her daughter doesn't feel safe playing outside, and in order to come and go, they have to walk through a group of men who sit on the front stoop drinking and smoking various legal and illegal substances.
• She wants to move, but her credit and past-due balances have her stuck.
• She has no valid photo id.  She cannot get a state id, Social Security Card...her passport expired and the process of getting a new one is very difficult because of the political situation in her country.
• Getting a Green Card requires a physical exam by an immigration physician.  When she called for an appointment she was told it would be $400 just for the office visit.  After she got her immunizations up to date, it would be close to $2,000.
• Did I mention she can't pay for ELECTRICITY?
• Her daughter rides the bus to school every day, but they will not drop her off in the afternoon at the Hair Braiding shop.  So Kanny must leave her business and walk home to get her off the bus, or take a taxi to pick her up from school.

Sometimes when my friend starts letting all of the frustration and emotion come out as she tells me her struggles, she says things like, "It's too much...it's all too much...Americans........" and her voice trails off as she realizes she's talking to an American.   I'm not offended.  I'm embarrassed.  Americans. Bureacracy. 

What if we all looked out for our neighbors?  What if we asked people who speak other languages or are from other countries if they need help? What if we actually talked to the people who do our hair or wash our cars or make our food?

Quarantine Journal - Day 42

6 Weeks.

6 weeks we've only hung out with family.
We go to the grocery store or occasionally, the bank drive-up or a curbside restaurant. 

For 6 weeks we've done church at home with homemade matzah and welch's grape juice. 

6 weeks of working from home, kids doing school from home, Todd just home.

That's where I see my ugliest self come out in this - frustration, impatience, self-centeredness, self-importance...feeling like Im the only one getting things done around here, while everyone else lives a life of leisure. 

They are lies.  No one is having fun.  We're all doing hard things. Life as a mom isn't reciprocal.  I can serve with joy, no matter what everyone else is doing. 

Scars

My husband had a brain injury 16 years ago.
He hasn't recovered.

You can't see it...he seems "normal" to most people.  But expect him to remember how you showed him to do that task yesterday, and you might assume he wasn't paying attention.  The next time you show him, you might be confused, wondering if you're not explaining it clearly enough.  The third time you have to explain the same thing, you're just downright frustrated, wondering why he's not taking this seriously and focusing on the task at hand.

He can't help it.

But he seems "normal".

Work has been a struggle since he started a new job almost 2 years ago.  Every day he would come home feeling inadequate, knowing his memory deficit causes frustration for his co-workers.  He felt incompetent and a burden to his co-workers, because, in so many words, they told him he was.

But then something happened.  He had a stroke, and after 3 months of physical and occupational rehab, he returned to work with a physical limp.  His legs don't work quite the same...and his arm is a little stiff when he goes to pull something off the shelf.  He's slower going down steps and  you can hear his "ga-lumph" as he walks awkwardly down the hall.

And his co-workers don't get as frustrated. They don't belittle him for forgetting things or treat him like a child when they need to explain something again.

His limp reminds them to be gentle.  To be patient. 

Wouldn't it be nice if we ALL had a scar to remind people to use caution when approaching?  A limp that says "there's a reason this is happening".

Staying Centered at Christmas

Okay, because Laura Troxel is waiting....and because last night I went to an event with some great women at Lakeside Christian Church who got me thinking about how to help our family stay centered this Christmas.

We have set 3 goals for our family this Christmas:

1. We want our family to be moved by a beautiful story.
2. We want to prioritize daily preparation for the celebration of the coming of the Messiah.
3. We want to spend quality time around a table with people we love.

Here are a few ways we've tried to do this in the past, or continue to build those things into our lives at Christmastime:

Jotham's Journey: A Storybook for Advent

An exciting adventure story of a 10 year old boy as he finds his way to the Savior born in Bethlehem. These daily readings kept our kids on the edge of their seat in anticipation....there are 3 books in this series, and through the years, we've read them several times! Probably best for ages 8-14, though has some scarier parts to be aware of if you have kids who don't handle that well.

Kindness Advent

In 2013 we did a Kindness Advent. Every day included a word to meditate on, and an act of kindness to do - sometimes in our home, and often for others. Some of our favorites were hiding $1 bills at the Dollar Store with an encouraging note, leaving treats for the mailman or garbage man, putting encouraging notes on car windshields at the grocery store, and inviting people to dinner. This was super fun and interactive - - but did require some advanced-planning and work from mom! For more ideas, check out http://pitterpatterart.com/kindness-advent/

Unwrapping the Greatest Gift

Last year we used Ann Voskamp's book to direct our daily advent preparations and made a Jesse Tree with ornaments that were a free download from her website. The Jesse tree is a smaller tree we put on our table and every day we added an ornament that told a different part of the Christmas story.

Handel's Messiah - I wrote about some of our family traditions here, and now that my girls are older and share my love of Handel's Messiah, finding a local "Sing-along Messiah" is an annual priority of mine.

Andrew Peterson's Behold the Lamb of God Album - When I think of being moved by a beautiful story, this album will do it. Our family will go see the tour at the Virginia Theater in Champaign on December 12th. Forget the Trans-Siberian Orchestra or the Nutcracker.....this is the stuff.

Other ideas....

Here are some other ideas I've heard, but haven't tried at our house....

• Reading the Christmas Story from Matthew or Luke....I heard this tradition from my friend, Faith Brooks, who said her family would read the story every day of advent. The same story. Every day. But the beautiful thing is that they can now recite the Christmas story for memory

• I know these Advent activities are supposed to keep me from spending and wanting and giving in to the consumeristic part of Christmas, but I WANT this Advent Wreath from Joy Wares:

(And, ahem, my birthday is coming.....)

So here's the point of it all. How do we focus on what's important this Christmas and not let the culture or expectations from others (or ourselves) hijack what it's really all about? I'd love to hear how you're entering this season with intentionality....